Being A B-List Friend

Yes. Today is Friday. And yes, for the past 5 months, every Friday has been #fashionfriday

But today, it's time for a heart-to-heart. And a break from routine here on naynayknows.

Sometimes, you get slapped in the face with a rude awakening and it hits you like a ton of bricks. And it has happened to me recently.

I am a B-List friend.

There, I said it. And you know what, it sucks. I would never, in a million years, ever even think any of my friends would be on a B-List, let alone any list. But recently, I have come to realize that people evolve and change over time and sometimes you just need to grow apart and separate. And they move you to their B-List. 

And in the world today, friendships are a lot of work. A LOT. In a world of social media where people put on a false persona and an almost-picture-perfect life to idolize, you question who they really are. Are they who they say they are? Or are they completely different? More times than not, they're completely different. And the disappointment in them is real. And the disappointment in yourself in falling for it is also real. And then you think about your children and the life that they are going to grow up with in this falsified sense of perfection and the mask of social media. (THAT is a whole other post or series of posts for another time...) 

You see people commenting on posts of others, 'liking' things on social media, tagging people in threads and building these virtual relationships yet when walking down the street, they don't act in the same way. They are a different person. The false persona is just that: false and fake. 

I had (see that? it says had, not have) a friend who would repeatedly blow me off for 'better' things to do or simply forget that we had plans. Regardless of how many times I'd remind her (and why should I have to remind grown adults that they have plans with me?!) But yet would brag about get-togethers with other friends and count down the days til she would get to see them. But me? Nope. I didn't matter to even remember we had plans. Often. Know what that makes me? Hurt. Heart-broken. And disappointed.
B-List friend.

I had a disagreement with a friend and she attacked me and my beliefs, my values, and devalued my opinions while refusing to listen to my side. And unfriended me and blasted me across social media.
B-List friend.

I had a friend going through a hard time. I reached out to see what I could do, offered help and guidance, sent a card. My life was falling apart at the seams and not a peep from her. A group of her mutual friends and I all reached out to help her and she blasted us all for no reason and insulted us left and right. 
B-List friend.

I had a friend who stood by me at my wedding. Next to me in fact. And over time, her personal beliefs changed and did not align with mine. And because I wouldn't change to align with hers, she no longer needed me or wanted me around. 
B-List friend. 

This year, my father's best friend died in January. My "other mother" died after a long battle with cancer in April. My mother unexpectedly passed away in August. My father was in a terrible car accident in early October and thankfully is ok now. My brother has not returned a single phone call about any of it and my mother-in-law doesn't care to even make a simple "I'm sorry" statement to me about any of it. And in the last month, I have had several friends, or so I thought 'friends', smack me figuratively across the face that I do not matter to them. Needless to say, I'm ready for 2020. 

Emotionally, it's exhausting and draining. This is not a whoa-is-me or a feel-sorry-for-me. This is a people-go-through-a-lot-of-shit-sometimes and when they're down, try not to kick them even more. 

A while ago, I posted about different types of friends. The givers, the receivers, and the takers. (read it here if you'd like) I am a giver. I've known this about myself for just about, well, ever. And I adore my friends who are also givers and receivers. But the takers, gosh there's a lot of them. But why do we keep them around? Why do we almost punish ourselves with friends who don't treat us how we deserve to be treated? Why do we do this to ourselves? I wish I had the answers. Believe me, I do. 

BUT, here's some reflection after a long year (with two months to go) full of hurt, heartbreak, and disappointment...

1. Friends help us when we're feeling low. If your friend is not bringing you up when you are down, they are not your friend. And you should remove them from your life and your thoughts. Because they probably are not thinking about you. 
I need to work on this. 

2. Life sucks. A lot. And shit happens. What doesn't break us down makes us stronger.

3. Cry. It helps.

4. Learn to detach, disconnect, and not take it personal. It doesn't matter what you do, did, or said. If someone is going to insult you or hurt you, they're going to do it to you regardless because it's them, not you.
This one I'm working on.

5. A real friend makes you a priority. Otherwise, they're an acquaintance.
Another one I'm working on realizing.

6. Friendship is a two-way street. It's a give and take. You listen and they listen. You give and they give in return. 

What was the point of this? I don't actually know. But pouring my heart out helped me a little so maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else too. 

The Mom Trifecta

I'm pretty sure you know exactly what I'm talking about but you've never been able to identify it. Or know what it's called. So I'm naming it for you right here, right now. You can thank me later. 

The Mom Trifecta. 

That beautiful relationship we ALL want with that amazing mom friend where the moms get along well, the dads get along well, and the kids get along well. And no one in the trifecta is a brat or an asshole. Seems easier than it is, doesn't it?! Well, it isn't. Trust me on this. 

Let's break it down. 

Before becoming a mom, all I wanted was mom friends. Making mom friends is like being in high school all over again. You think, hey, you just went through what I just went through therefore and had your body completely mangled to give birth to another human being, we have that common bond. Right? WRONG-O! Not all moms are the welcoming moms. Not all moms need friends.  Also, not all moms want 'new' friends. They want their old pre-mom friends and don't want to welcome anyone new into their group. Sound familiar? Sound like high school all over again? Well, it is. 

I was convinced that I'd join a baby music class or a sign language class or be strolling along the trail one day and there she'd be. In all her glory. THE mom friend. My new bestie. Surround by twinkling lights and her hair blowing perfectly in the breeze. {important to note: her messy bun would be blowing in the breeze and she'd still be in a nursing bra even though she was done nursing eight months ago because she was a hot mess just like me!} But then reality set in and that just wasn't happening. It was going to take work. Hard work. It was like being the new kid in school all over again and trying to see who meshed with you. Going into the cafeteria to sit down and pulling out a chair only to be told "you can't sit here" alllll over again. Ugh. Drama even in my late-30s.  

So, out we went. My son and I. Testing the waters, stroller bootcamp, music class, story time at the library, you name it, we were there. Out and about looking for members of my new tribe. I knew they were out there, I just had to find them. But boy, did it take work! It took trial and error. It took classes upon classes upon classes. BUT...

Eventually, I found them. THOSE friends. Those friends everyone wants to have. The ones who you know have your back. The ones who love your kid like they're your own. The ones who bring mimosas to the 9am playdate. The ones who you can text at 8am because you already are done with the day. The ones whose shoulder you can cry on and will listen and not judge. Yeah, THOSE moms. We clicked. We connected. My tribe was formed. 

But what came next was what I deem the "Mom Trifecta". 

Our kids get along + We get along + Our husbands get along = TRIFECTA

Hugs all around! 

The odds of that happening are slim to none. I mean, lets face it. That's hard. That's a lot of personalities, that's a lot of opinions, different parenting styles, different schedules, different rules and routines, different political views, that's just a LOT. I mean, really, it IS a LOT. 

Having a mom friend who gets you and you get her back is hard enough in and of itself. I mean, if you're a woman reading this, you're likely nodding and saying in your head "yup, totes get that!" Then factor in your kids getting along. And as babies is one thing but growing up together and surviving toddlerhood is a whole other ballgame people. Having those mom friends AND keeping those mom friends is work. But those trifecta relationships are SO worth it. 

But when you find it, relish in it. And enjoy it. Because you might only have one or two of those trifectas. But in all honesty, that's all you really need. I mean, when you want to get together to go out, it often takes WEEKS for schedules to mesh with one another. So imagine if there's four or five in your trifecta trying to get together. Ain't gonna happen.

I am so fortunate to know I have my very own Trifecta. We mesh. All of us. Our kids mesh well. The moms get along well, And the husbands can sit around and chat and there's no awkward feeling that someone is the odd man out. It's amazing when the stars align like that, isn't it?! 

Toddler Mom Must Haves: Dining Out Edition

I take my toddler out a lot. And we got out to restaurants often. And people always ask us about what we have with us and where to get them. So, here's my top five things you need if you have a toddler and you plan to take them out to eat with you. 

1. Toddler Silverware

This little case from Sistema is a reusable set of silverware in a convenient travel case. It includes a fork, spoon, knife, and set of chopsticks. We have it in green but it comes in a variety of colors. I also roll up a disposable placemat (see below) to keep in the case as a just-in-case. You know, for those just-in-case moments we all tend to have. 

2. Disposable Placemats

My son is almost three and occasionally just prefers to eat off of the table versus a plate. I know you feel me mamas, right?! And the thought of food on a restaurant table when who knows it was last washed gives me the heebie-jeebies. Enter disposable placemats. I keep one folded up in his travel silverware case to use as needed but used to always have them in my diaper bag when he was little. Plus, it's peel and stick so when you're done and ready to leave, you've picked up a bit after your kid and left a small(er) mess! My son is presently on an Elmo and Mickey kick so we use these. Before we were using the shapes and colors ones. 

3. Snack N Shop

While this isn't for dining out, it is for being out! This snack tray has a lid that snaps on so you can fill it with your child's favorite snack and toss it in your bag. Then when you get to the store, put him in the cart, snap the snack tray on, and he'll be happy as can be! I don't know how I ran errands before without this! 

4. Lobster Seat

We received a Phil & Ted's Losbter Seat as a shower gift and I cannot recommend it enough. It folds flat, has a carry case, and is easily kept in your car. It clips onto almost any table and I actually use it often when my son and I bring my husband lunch at his office- and we clip it to his desk! Seriously, one of those million dollar ideas I wish I'd come up with! 

5. Busy Bag

I have what we call a "Busy Bag" of miscellaneous activities in my car for when we are out and about and in need of entertaining our toddler. We always have 3-5 different toys/games in the bag but recently put it all in a toddler backpack so he could carry it himself. 
I am transitioning from diaper bag back to purse (thank goodness!) and this has been a great way to diminish how much I carry. Plus, I got him a cute matching lunchbag that we keep his snacks in so he has practice using both of them before he goes to preschool.

My favorite toys/games to have on hand in his Busy Bag:

Plus Plus pieces and game board 
Travel size puzzle or Lace toys 
Dot markers (great to use on the back of restaurant placemats)
WikkiStix 
Mini trucks 

And we always always ALWAYS have books in the car and let him bring 1 or 2 into the restaurant with us. When he picks them, they tend to keep his interest more! Tonight, he read his truck book the entire time we were at dinner and did not need his busy bag once.

I hope these help you when going out with your toddler in tow! Have you used any of these before?!

I Am Not The Normal Blogger

There, I said it. And put it out to the internet for all to see. 

Seven years ago, I started blogging. And I use the term "blogging" loosely. I was not efficient with it. I did not take it seriously. I did not have a focus. I just rambled online because some teachers I worked with suggested it. Check out my very first post here. 

But, I have recently, over the past year, decided to get back into it as a way of expressing myself and having something to do. Mainly, I was looking for bloggers to follow who were like me and I struggled greatly with finding them. Most bloggers I found lived and had the picture-perfect life. Which I far from have, believe me. I also found they were all super tall, thin, had impeccable skin, fabulous hair, and looked like a model even before they walked out the door. Then, the self-doubt started to sink in. I am not tall, I do not look like a model, my hair is a hot mess almost every day, and I am as far from a model as one can be. I mean, I'm 4'10" tall and have a round shape. Let's be real. 

The more I thought about it, the more the doubt set in. I don't look like the average blogger. I don't talk like the average blogger. I don't decorate my house like the average blogger. I don't post like the average blogger. I don't style the shelves in my home to be featured in a magazine. I don't walk through the grocery store in over-the-knee boots while wearing a floppy hat and cashmere sweater. You'd walk past me 100 times over without even noticing me most days. 

But then I stopped. Why do I want to be average?! Why do I want to be like everyone else?! Sure, I take inspiration from other bloggers. I mean, who doesn't want the cute new booties from Target they're all wearing or have gorgeous front steps covered in mums and pumpkins styled oh-so-perfectly?! Don't we all?! But inspiration is different than becoming. 

Instagram was sucking my sense of identity from me. I was constantly looking for the next best outfit, the newest accessory for my house, the cutest new boots, eyelash extensions, but for what?! And why?! To be like everyone else?! I just can't anymore. 

I asked on my Instagram stories over the weekend a few questions to my followers. I asked about what kinds of pictures they want to see (staged or real life) and 99% said real life. I asked what kind of fashion pics people want to see (use what you already own or buy new) and 96% said use what you have. I asked if they wanted to see my family life as well as fashion and styling and 97% said yes. I asked if they found bloggers and influencers to be inauthentic and 99% said yes. And I finally asked about my #thisis40 challenge I made to myself and if they enjoyed it and 98% said yes! I found these answers enlightening and greatly assisted me in my newest decision. 

I am going to continue blogging and I hope that I appeal to you and your friends. And I am going to continue to be me, 150% me. Authentic and real and if I have spinach stuck in my teeth in a picture, so be it. That's what you're gonna get. I share style and fashion tips, fun restaurants that my friends, family and I discover, and lots of ins and outs of being a mom. 

I'm not your normal blogger. I'm your neighbor, your friend, the mom you see enjoying her coffee while strolling the aisles of Target with a messy bun and mismatched socks. I roll on the floor at MyGym with my toddler every week, I cry at stupid GE and AT&T commercials, I love to shop but savor a good deal. I don't wear makeup everyday, my pictures are taken in selfie mode or by my toddler, I wash my hair maybe once a week, and I do this "blogging thing" because I know there are others out there like me who just want to read tips and tidbits from a fellow "normal mom" and know it's ok to not be picture perfect day in and day out.

So, thank you for being here with me and enjoying my little blog I've got going here. I hope you'll stick around for a while and see where our life takes us.